Letter to a Stranger #14 Saying No

Dear you who always said yes,

No. I’m saying no to this. I’m saying no to always thinking about you and the feelings that erupt when I do so. 

I’m saying no to you being so nice to me even when I’m a total asshole to you because it’s so unfair and I feel as if I’m gonna make your insecurities worse by doing so. 

I’m saying no to ever accepting the shackles of a ‘relationship’ because frankly, labels just aren’t for me. And I will say No every time you ask. So don’t ask, please. 

I say No when you ask if I love you and it’s true because I am not good with emotions so I don’t think what I’m feeling is LOVE. 

But I repeat the words in my mind with such intensity that they almost vomit out of my throat but my teeth keep them locked inside as my lips smile a lopsided smile to let you know that I don’t. No, I don’t and I never will. 

I say No to you holding all my broken pieces together when I’ll never be able to explain the reason behind them to you in the first place because let’s face it, I’m stoic and you’re not good with sentimental talks either. 

And I say No to you including me in your life to such extent that it will get hard when my existence stops colliding with yours. I say No to you thinking about me even when your mind has reached its thinking capacity. But most of all, I say no to myself because I have things to consider, none of which include you or ever will. I say no to the daydreams and the wild thoughts, to the late night burst of emotions and breathing with your name on my lips and image on my mind. I can’t do this. I wasn’t made for this. 

I say no to craving your touch or your company. I say no to your infectious laughter. 

I say NO, a big fat flat heavy No to ever reconsidering this decision because if I think about this again, I might end up saying yes. 

But darling, I say No…..even to that possibility. 

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Letter to a stranger #13 Musical Muse

Dear name of my playlist folder, 

There are so many songs in my playlist now that I can’t listen to without thinking of you. Used to think that was so stupid when others mentioned this happening. But you and I are bonded by music. It’s how our friendship began. 

It’s how it became more. 

It’s what keeps us close even when we are miles apart. 

There’s a special playlist I’ve named after you in my collection of music. And frankly my dear, you deserve it. 

You introduced me to a whole different kind of dope shit and I’m ever grateful. 

Even if I weren’t, it’d still make you stand out amongst every other person I’ve met. Yes I get music suggestions from almost everyone. But none have the same style as you do. 

These little things, those little moments do matter. And now I’m writing you this letter while listening to the song you sent me. It’s my favourite amongst em all. I’m just surprised how YOU knew I’d love it. I keep hoping you’re just seeing the projection of me I chose to show you. But the way your eyes are always concentrating on me, I get this feeling that you’re seeing far beneath it. The thought gets my insides tingling, don’t know if it’s fear or desire. Maybe a bit of both. And I like it this way. I’ve always liked it this way. With the insides of me battling each other and my body just reacting to what it wants. Right now, you’re at the top of that list. 

And the only one who brings out the most extreme reactions. I laugh louder with you, stare longer, hold on tighter. It’s the ease and comfort you project. How nice it is to lean on your shoulder and forget I even exist.

How I ache in your absence as if one of my limbs have been stolen from me. I am whole. I’ve been whole long before I met you. So you don’t complete me but you give my cold dead heart the warmth it never asked for. 

Maybe the best things in life also come free to us. 

Letter to a Stranger#12 Shakesperian

Dear Hand holder,

Oh aching heart, chaotic brain, vulnerability be thy name.

I didn’t know it’d be this hard. It’s beautiful and painful at the same time, allowing yourself to feel vulnerable.

Scary, quite scary. 

You’re just leaving yourself open, all defenses down. Anyone can come and hurt you. You tear down your walls enough to let a person enter the sanctity of your home and they could make it more beautiful or they could leave it a mess. But you can’t shut the door on them once they’re in. 

I haven’t opened the door for you yet but you’ve been tearing down my walls nonetheless. And there’s this small open window that gives me solace because I can always run away if things get too complicated. 

But these days I find myself stepping more and more away from that window and towards the half-torn down wall. 

I can see you through the gap in the bricks. You let your hand in and I hold it. There’s just me and you with our hands adjoined on either side of the wall. 

But for how long?

I like you enough not to hate you for the hole you created in my defences. But am selfish enough not to let you tear down more of it. Maybe that’s why I’m holding your hand. So I can stop you from making it worse. Or maybe I just like the feeling. 

I’m selfish and undeniably broken. When will you give up trying to piece me back together without even knowing what left me shattered in the first place?

Look at your hands now. They resemble mine. My nails have been digging into them for a long while but you didn’t yell from the pain, didn’t pull your hand back.

Are you starting to like it too? 

Am I turning you into myself?

Or maybe you’re turning me into you. 

Don’t know what scares me more.

Letter to a stranger #11 Hating Rainbows and Unicorn

Dear Rainbow pooping Unicorn,

‚ÄčI take it back. I take back everything negative I said to you.

 I take back all the second thoughts and feeling like not deserving you because fuck that. I want you. And that should be enough.

If you can think of me when you’re out of your senses, if you wish to share the best happiest moments of your life with ME, if I’m the one you see when you close your eyes right before you fall asleep, then I’ll be damned if I don’t do the same for you.

I’ll be damned if this cold dead heart doesn’t, at least once, beat for YOU. 

I’m gonna stay with you, and finally, try to make an effort for you. We’ll stay high together. Full power. 

Because why not?

You’re so amazing. I don’t think I could have met a more sorted out, incredible person that I could enjoy being with and even if I could have, it would probably have been a mess. Not with you though. Never with you. 

You’re like the cozy bed one slithers into after a tiring day. But you’re also the tiny shift in a musical track that makes my heart skip a beat. 

You’re the puppy dog eyes and a beast’s jaw, all wrapped up in one. 

I know I’m not making much sense to you darlin, but it’s all good shit don’t ya worry. 

Because how, how can anyone, ever, say a bad thing about YOU?

That’d be like hating rainbows or unicorns.  The universe does love you doesn’t it?

Just when I feel ready to give up on you, you do something to restore my faith in the bond we share.

Just when I start feeling negative about something, you say something exactly regarding that thought, shaking up my thoughts. Even though there’s no way you could’ve known what was going on in my mind. 

Just when I start missing you, consciously or subconsciously, you somehow know it and reach out. I don’t think anyone else would have such great timing or would be able to keep up with my shit, or shift my mood swings always to the positive side, quite like you do. Why are you the way you are?

What do you even see in me? I’m a mess.

But I feel like all my scattered pieces somehow come together, joining in a coherent whole, all good things on top when I’m with you. 

But I’m still scared. Not because I don’t trust you. But because I don’t trust myself, or the universe. 

Good things don’t last long in my life. 2 months seems to be the longest period where bad luck leaves me. 

And time is almost up. 

I’m just waiting for the clock to keep ticking and then things to change..

It’s just a matter of a few days. That’s why I wanted to spend as much of it as I can, with you. But you’ve got to live your life too. 

Letter to a stranger #10 Another one for being apart

Hey Love, 

I can’t believe I forgot. I promised you a hundred letters but it’s been getting harder and harder to write in your absence. It aches like being stung by a thousand bees. All in the same spot. 

Okay I’m exaggerating. It doesn’t hurt. I just get bored without you. You even asked me to write, reminded me more like it. But I didn’t want to write then. There was something so off about my mood. Yours too maybe and I felt like I could sense it. 

It’s been five days. Wow, I don’t think we’ve been apart that long ever since I got to know you. And it’s weird because I felt like I would forget your existence once we grew apart. It is starting to happen. The overwhelming feelings I was starting to have are gradually fading. It’s not your fault. That’s why I told you everything is fine when you apologised if something wasn’t going right. It’s just the way I’ve programmed myself. Out of sight, out of mind. It really keeps me protected. 

The first two days were hardest because the feelings were still at their peak and yet your absence felt like a looming ache. It got better, but not too better when I had my vulnerable moments or something amazing happened because you’re the one I wanted to share it with. 

It’s not like you’ve disappeared. But I miss being the centre of your attention. I keep telling you to keep me out of your mind and just have fun and I really want that for you. 

It’s still hard to wait here for you to come back so we can go back to the way we were.

But it is a little easier today. I don’t know why. Maybe because I worked all day and now it feels like I’ve accomplished something. I didn’t have time to think about you and when I did, there you were with your texts and your voice. 

Now I think I will be okay with waiting a little longer. And also with letting you go once our purpose for meeting gets over. 

And I think it will be okay for you too. You have good friends and lots of amazing people in your life. I just realised this. And no, I’m not jealous. I’m happy to know that you can be happy without me. 

Because I just realised, I can be too. It is more uncomplicated this way. I’m finally reclaiming my mind. I’ve let emotions drive me for too long now, to the point where I started losing sight of my priorities and the rules I abide by. 

I can’t share myself. Not with you, not with anyone else. I can give you the time of my day only for so long. And I have just found out that without it, we’ll turn into strangers. What we created, being together, only exists as long as we ARE together. And it won’t be possible for long.

This sounds like a long ass apology letter, without me having said sorry at all. But I can’t apologise. I can’t apologise for choosing myself over you, for being selfish, for hurting you because I already told you I would do all that. Meanwhile, just know that if only for a short while, I did feel something for you. Maybe I still do and it has just subsided because of your absence. But that something was as pure and real as your existence. 

I’ve said those three words, that you repeated to me four times while laughing, in my head so many times. But I could never say them out loud. And until I can, I don’t deserve you. 

Now I feel bad for shutting you off when you said those words to me. Because I can’t imagine how hurt I would be if I got the same reaction from you. 

I’m a terrible person. I don’t treat you like you should be treated. I don’t reciprocate your feelings. Why, why are you so nice to me still?

I was so sure that day you would have finally had enough to do with my shit.

My heart still skips a beat when I remember what you said to me when the coldplay song was playing. You could spend your whole life with that song and me, can I? 

I told you I couldn’t. I shut you off. I saw the sincerity in your eyes. You meant every word. It felt like heaven and hell at the same time because if I had said yes, there would be no going back.

And I’m not ready for that sort of commitment. I don’t think I ever will be. With me, you’ll always be second guessing your position and my feelings for you. Because they keep changing. And you don’t deserve that. 

Hey, love. 

Just do yourself a favour and leave. I ruin lives just by existing. 

I don’t deserve the goodness of you or the happiness you bring me.

Letter to a stranger #9 IOU

Dear High turned addiction,

Here we are again. I’m writing you another letter I’ll never send. It almost feels like I’m writing to myself. But no, it’s all to you, for you, and if by some mishap, you do find all these letters, I won’t regret it. It’s all yours anyway. 

We’ve been apart for three days now. I should be feeling something about it. Don’t know why i don’t. Or maybe I do know. It’s because I’m numb again. 

Or I was. 

Until we talked and now I’m envious. It sounds unbelievable I know. Me, envious of you? Didn’t think that day would ever come. I’ve felt superior to you. I always do that with people. I have a habit of raising MYSELF on a pedestal that I don’t put anyone else on. Add it to my need for perfection if you may. But here it is. My self-loathing bringing me down again. And just after you told me so many great experiences of your life. I should be happy for you right? You’ve lived such a colorful life. 

I do feel happy for you but I feel worse for myself and very envious. I wish I could live your life. I know that’s a stupid thing to wish for. But listen, I can make a mean argument in favor of this.

You’re a guy, first of all. And this world is automatically easier for you. The freedom that comes along with the different anatomy, you know what I’m talking about. 

Then there’s your limited intelligence and just such ignorant naive innocent mind. Oh how I wish I had that!

Yes, I pride myself about my vast vocabulary and intellect and understanding about deep and abstract concepts and having enough brain power to form opinions on it but that’s also the shit that makes me fuckin depressed and doesn’t let me sleep at night. You, you sleep like a baby and then wake up in the morning with the sole purpose of living your life. Why, why can’t I have that? 

I thought you paid your dues to reach this stage but now I just found out differently and this is messing with my head even more because it makes me feel like I’ve just wasted my life, done nothing. 

Why couldn’t I be you?

I guess it’s because you’re nice and maybe lucky too. Nice people get all the good things in life.

Even the unachievable things.

I mean, you got me now don’t you?

Didn’t think that would happen did you?

Neither did I.

I mean I’ve been so firm in my resolve, for so long. There was no logical reason why someone like you would be able to melt me down. 

You just saw this girl and liked her. And slowly as you got to know her, developed feelings for her. It happens, to everyone.

Reciprocating those feelings, that doesn’t happen often. But for you it does.

How? 

What secret do you have? What cheat trick have you fed the universe that all good things come fall in your lap?

Well, it raises the burden off my heart actually. Now when we finally grow apart, I know you’ll move on to something better. You have the universe on your side.

But I’m more afraid about myself now. Everything that I stood firm about, my whole foundations of belief have been shaken up and not just about you. It is like a wall with many broken bricks now and I might fall any moment.

And universe has always been kind of an asshole to me. I guess it was stupid of me to believe I could enjoy as much happiness as I did in the past month without there being some karmic balance.

Time to pay my dues. 

Fuck this.

Fuck you.

This is your fault. You are my high. I’m pretty sure not being around you is what’s causing me to have these stupid negative thoughts. Because I can’t have them when I’m with you. 

Please be here. 

I guess I’m starting to need you after all.

Letter to a stranger #8 Second thoughts

Dear you who I hope never reads this,

I’m having second thoughts. It’s the first time since we’ve known each other that I have acted careless and let you believe what you do believe because it IS partly true. But you give more meaning to it that I mean to.

And now I’m stuck here thinking what happens when the storm comes. We’ve been apart for a while and it is only time that I can be sane and think right. I can’t do that when you’re smiling at me or holding my hand. I can’t do that when it’s midnight and you beg me to keep you awake just to have some extra time with me. My brain stops working when you share an awesome track or a pic of a puppy and everything I say to you in that moment IS what I believe in.

But then morning happens and I’m sane again. And I don’t regret the things I’ve said or done. But I’m a different person every day. And you won’t recognise who I am soon. 

So it scares me what would happen when the bubble bursts. I am afraid of how bad it would be for you or me.

I do feel what you feel right now. But for me emotions are fleeting, they don’t last, they don’t stay. In a day or two, they fade away. But it’s not the same for you, is it?

So tell me, did I make a mistake?

By telling you, what you mean to me.

Should I have lied instead or told you THIS truth? Would it change anything?

And I’m lying here writing one of the hundred letters that you will never read. And I’m here lying to you when you ask me if I wrote you something. 

I did. But I can never show you.

Because I’m afraid that you’ll make more of it than what is.

You’ll feel deeper if you read the letters wrote in ecstasy and you’ll be low if you read these letters second guessing what we have. 

I can’t apologise to you for this. Because this is who I am.

But I feel so bad knowing I’ll hurt you in the end and still being selfish enough not to let you go now.

But I can’t apologise for that either. Because I warned you from the start.

This is why I want no labels.

Because I don’t deserve the person you are.