I can’t believe I forgot. I promised you a hundred letters but it’s been getting harder and harder to write in your absence. It aches like being stung by a thousand bees. All in the same spot.
Okay I’m exaggerating. It doesn’t hurt. I just get bored without you. You even asked me to write, reminded me more like it. But I didn’t want to write then. There was something so off about my mood. Yours too maybe and I felt like I could sense it.
It’s been five days. Wow, I don’t think we’ve been apart that long ever since I got to know you. And it’s weird because I felt like I would forget your existence once we grew apart. It is starting to happen. The overwhelming feelings I was starting to have are gradually fading. It’s not your fault. That’s why I told you everything is fine when you apologised if something wasn’t going right. It’s just the way I’ve programmed myself. Out of sight, out of mind. It really keeps me protected.
The first two days were hardest because the feelings were still at their peak and yet your absence felt like a looming ache. It got better, but not too better when I had my vulnerable moments or something amazing happened because you’re the one I wanted to share it with.
It’s not like you’ve disappeared. But I miss being the centre of your attention. I keep telling you to keep me out of your mind and just have fun and I really want that for you.
It’s still hard to wait here for you to come back so we can go back to the way we were.
But it is a little easier today. I don’t know why. Maybe because I worked all day and now it feels like I’ve accomplished something. I didn’t have time to think about you and when I did, there you were with your texts and your voice.
Now I think I will be okay with waiting a little longer. And also with letting you go once our purpose for meeting gets over.
And I think it will be okay for you too. You have good friends and lots of amazing people in your life. I just realised this. And no, I’m not jealous. I’m happy to know that you can be happy without me.
Because I just realised, I can be too. It is more uncomplicated this way. I’m finally reclaiming my mind. I’ve let emotions drive me for too long now, to the point where I started losing sight of my priorities and the rules I abide by.
I can’t share myself. Not with you, not with anyone else. I can give you the time of my day only for so long. And I have just found out that without it, we’ll turn into strangers. What we created, being together, only exists as long as we ARE together. And it won’t be possible for long.
This sounds like a long ass apology letter, without me having said sorry at all. But I can’t apologise. I can’t apologise for choosing myself over you, for being selfish, for hurting you because I already told you I would do all that. Meanwhile, just know that if only for a short while, I did feel something for you. Maybe I still do and it has just subsided because of your absence. But that something was as pure and real as your existence.
I’ve said those three words, that you repeated to me four times while laughing, in my head so many times. But I could never say them out loud. And until I can, I don’t deserve you.
Now I feel bad for shutting you off when you said those words to me. Because I can’t imagine how hurt I would be if I got the same reaction from you.
I’m a terrible person. I don’t treat you like you should be treated. I don’t reciprocate your feelings. Why, why are you so nice to me still?
I was so sure that day you would have finally had enough to do with my shit.
My heart still skips a beat when I remember what you said to me when the coldplay song was playing. You could spend your whole life with that song and me, can I?
I told you I couldn’t. I shut you off. I saw the sincerity in your eyes. You meant every word. It felt like heaven and hell at the same time because if I had said yes, there would be no going back.
And I’m not ready for that sort of commitment. I don’t think I ever will be. With me, you’ll always be second guessing your position and my feelings for you. Because they keep changing. And you don’t deserve that.
Just do yourself a favour and leave. I ruin lives just by existing.
I don’t deserve the goodness of you or the happiness you bring me.