She allowed herself to give someone her love but not her thoughts. There are some things she needs to keep for herself for they are too simple, too hers to ever be spoken aloud. There is a road that she never travelled upon and it haunted her mind still and yet if she told someone about it, the magic would be gone. If someone analysed the meaning of it, adviced her on her actions or even just acknowledged it, then it just wouldn’t be her thought anymore. Because it would be out in the world and she wasn’t ready for it.
Some things she had done in life, she had to keep under wraps. She loved everyone immensely. But she didn’t always kiss back. There were times, for sure, when people’s love came with conditions. She accepted the ones she liked but never made any ommissions.
There were incidents which one wouldn’t exactly call ‘appropriate’ and if it was left for the world to decide, those honest actions would get scathed. So she kept them, those words, those thoughts, those actions in a place where no one ever visited. There’s so much she would rather do than think about those things herself. But she missed her smile. And it wasn’t the people she was trying to forget that hurt. It was the smiles they had left behind.
So here she went, walking, disregarding the lack of space in the crowded world. And here she sat on the lap of an old jilted lover, kissing the lips of another, while her hands remained free, searching for something she could keep, in her vault. A smile, or perhaps a tear that was her fault.
It was often not. But these little treasures, these moments of secrecy, these eyes and in them, hunger and love passionately, they just wouldn’t let her sleep. She never said No to any man who wanted to touch her lips. But she didn’t always respond.
Yet the cuddles and the hugs and the soft murmurs whispered across made her incredibly fond of those subtle moments of joy. But the day would change and there’d come another boy. She wondered what’d happen if she just forgot them all or maybe moved away or maybe started to bawl, everytime she’d feel someone caress her gently.
What would she do, if her thoughts broke the prisons of her mind and ran free?