It’s not the hit that scared her. It was the sound the whip made as it swung in the air, that whoosh right before coming down and branding her skin red. She could never get used to the sound of the whip. Everything else was okay. The paddle, the flogger, even the cane.
But she loathed the times he was in the mood for the whip, which is why it was often the case.
But something was different that day, she could feel the fear at the whoosh but she couldn’t feel the pain as it hit her. She could feel the harsh touch of the whip against her skin, but couldn’t totally absorb the impact.
And so she did what she hadn’t done ever before. She spoke the safe word.
The whip fell to the floor. He untied her right there and then. As the blindfold was removed, she saw that his face was emotionless. No shock, no question, no love lost.
Just nothingness, like a doctor performing an incision, methodical but emotionless.
She wanted to tell him that she asked him to stop BECAUSE she couldn’t feel the pain. But she didn’t have permission to speak yet.
Wait, did the safeword mean the whole thing was over?
What if he thought she didn’t want him anymore?
As she opened her mouth to rant out an explanation right away, he placed a finger on her mouth shutting down all thoughts in her head. Those hands.
Goddamn, those hands that made her fall apart with just one touch.
How many times she had the same thought. But right now, she felt nothing. The reason for the blankness of her mind was this as well. She couldn’t feel anything from his touch.
No arousal, no fear, no gentleness. There was nothing in her. She felt dead already.
She gulped, more for the reason that her throat was dry than anything else.
‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘I’m not mad. Let’s just go to sleep.’
She told him the cause, about not feeling a thing when the whip hit. About feeling dead when he touched her.
Her body had stopped reacting. She couldn’t make sense of it. How could it happen all of a sudden?
He took it as a personal challenge to change the numbness that was bothering her so much. Neither of them would be getting any sleep that night.
He began with a gentle touch, throwing her on the bed and caressing her body with soft kisses. She stayed there staring at the ceiling, paying attention to her own breathing. Her chest raised and fell. Her heart was still untouched.
Then came the roughness, the fucking. She took it without an emotion on her face.
Her mind had gone completely blank. It was like she wasn’t even there anymore.
It took him a while to actually see.
Things had gotten terribly wrong.
He asked but got no answer. He held her. She could do nothing but look away.
She was breathing, for sure, but this numbness had made its home inside her. Even the thoughts didn’t come anymore. Like her mind had done being overused and was now set for a vacation.
Brain out of order. Please try again later.
She dug her nails into her palms but felt nothing. How could her body betray her like this?
It is true she had never liked the pain, just the act of submission. The pain was more because of her love for him. He needed it and so she gave it.
After a while, she even thought she’d get used to it.
But never did she hate it. Not for one tiny microsecond.
Then why could this happen? WHY did she go numb all of a sudden.
“Hit me”, she asked, with nothing but your hands.
The way she looked at him, her eyes looking far beyond than the person she was seeing, he saw the emptiness in them. Where was she gone?
But he did do what she asked. Just for the sake of her. This time when he raised her hand to deliver a tight slap on her face, HE got no pleasure out of it. Just pain.
When he hit her with his fists, choked her, pulled her hair, twisted her arm behind her back, he was the one stuck with FEELING the hurt.
She was still dead inside. And if he didn’t stop, he would be too.
“What happened to us?”
The words were out in the air, tensed yet finally spoken aloud.
“Remember how you couldn’t find the black whip you loved so much? I broke it. I broke the whip. And maybe, the whip broke us too.”
Meet the person who inspired these Vardhan Chronicles @SidharthVardhan