Where did the smile go? The 8 am phone call. The ‘Miss you’ followed by a deep longing? What happened to the inside jokes? The wanting to make me laugh? The laughing at even my lame jokes?
Why do my words not have any effect anymore? Why do you not jump at the chance of us meeting anymore? Why did you never ask me for another letter? Why did you never give me another music track that I could put on repeat for all nights that followed? Why did you have to fall out of love with me at the exact time when I was starting to fall in?
If you weren’t willing to follow through, you shouldn’t have started to begin with. You made me feel so sure that it’d last. And still, you won’t let it end. You’re just gonna keep drifting apart and let it fade with every lost text, forgotten call, unresponsive words and feelings. Why?
Is goodbye too hard a word?
Why won’t you just tell me, anything that’s on your mind? Why won’t you answer me straight when I ask you if you’ve stopped liking me? Why, oh please, tell me, why would you still pick up my call at midnight when you are fast asleep? Just to confuse me?
And then cut it off at my saying ‘Go to sleep’ even though you would have never done that before. So here I am stuck between ‘Maybe he still feels something’ and ‘Not enough anymore’.
Why would you ring me up just to stare at my face when we both know there are no words left anymore that would strike a conversation?
Why would you not leave me with a final word when we can’t even be alone anymore and laugh? Oh, how long it has been since I laughed with you? Just with you?
Not while you had to have someone else there just to narrate the same story I’ve already heard twice. Yes, I laughed so hard. It’s true. I laughed again the third time with everything I had. Because it’s you.
Why couldn’t I figure it out before?
No one can or ever has made me feel the way you have. But it won’t always be you. I cannot even think of that possibility because you are already falling from my grasp. What do I do when I have nothing left?
What do I do but tell you again and again in the only words that I know that
Darlin, I love you.