Letter to a stranger #9 IOU

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Dear High turned addiction,

Here we are again. I’m writing you another letter I’ll never send. It almost feels like I’m writing to myself. But no, it’s all to you, for you, and if by some mishap, you do find all these letters, I won’t regret it. It’s all yours anyway.

We’ve been apart for three days now. I should be feeling something about it. Don’t know why I don’t. Or maybe I do know. It’s because I’m numb again.

Or I was. 

Until we talked and now I’m envious. It sounds unbelievable I know. Me, envious of you? Didn’t think that day would ever come. I’ve felt superior to you. I always do that with people. I have a habit of raising MYSELF on a pedestal that I don’t put anyone else on. Add it to my need for perfection if you may. But here it is. My self-loathing bringing me down again. And just after you told me so many great experiences of your life. I should be happy for you right? You’ve lived such a colorful life.

I do feel happy for you but I feel worse for myself and very envious. I wish I could live your life. I know that’s a stupid thing to wish for. But listen, I can make a mean argument in favor of this.

You’re a guy, first of all. And this world is automatically easier for you. The freedom that comes along with the different anatomy, you know what I’m talking about.

Then there’s your limited intelligence and just such ignorant naive innocent mind. Oh, how I wish I had that!

Yes, I pride myself about my vast vocabulary and intellect and understanding about deep and abstract concepts and having enough brain power to form opinions on it but that’s also the shit that makes me fuckin depressed and doesn’t let me sleep at night. You, you sleep like a baby and then wake up in the morning with the sole purpose of living your life. Why, why can’t I have that?

I thought you paid your dues to reach this stage but now I just found out differently and this is messing with my head even more because it makes me feel like I’ve just wasted my life, done nothing.

Why couldn’t I be you?

I guess it’s because you’re nice and maybe lucky too. Nice people get all the good things in life.

Even the unachievable things.

I mean, you got me now don’t you?

Didn’t think that would happen, did you?

Neither did I.

I mean I’ve been so firm in my resolve, for so long. There was no logical reason why someone like you would be able to melt me down.

You just saw this girl and liked her. And slowly as you got to know her, developed feelings for her. It happens, to everyone.

Reciprocating those feelings, that doesn’t happen often. But for you it does.

How?

What secret do you have? What cheat trick have you fed the universe that all good things come fall in your lap?

Well, it raises the burden off my heart actually. Now when we finally grow apart, I know you’ll move on to something better. You have the universe on your side.

But I’m more afraid about myself now. Everything that I stood firm about, my whole foundations of belief have been shaken up and not just about you. It is like a wall with many broken bricks now and I might fall any moment.

And universe has always been kind of an asshole to me. I guess it was stupid of me to believe I could enjoy as much happiness as I did in the past month without there being some karmic balance.

Time to pay my dues.

Fuck this.

Fuck you.

This is your fault. You are my high. I’m pretty sure not being around you is what’s causing me to have these stupid negative thoughts. Because I can’t have them when I’m with you.

Please be here.

I guess I’m starting to need you after all.

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