Letter to a stranger #8 Second thoughts

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Dear, you who I hope never reads this,

I’m having second thoughts. It’s the first time since we’ve known each other that I have acted careless and let you believe what you do believe because it IS partly true. But you give more meaning to it that I mean to.

And now I’m stuck here thinking what happens when the storm comes. We’ve been apart for a while and it is the only time that I can be sane and think right. I can’t do that when you’re smiling at me or holding my hand. I can’t do that when it’s midnight and you beg me to keep you awake just to have some extra time with me. My brain stops working when you share an awesome track or a pic of a puppy and everything I say to you at that moment IS what I believe in.

But then morning happens and I’m sane again. And I don’t regret the things I’ve said or done. But I’m a different person every day. And you won’t recognise who I am soon.

So it scares me what would happen when the bubble bursts. I am afraid of how bad it would be for you or me.

I do feel what you feel right now. But for me emotions are fleeting, they don’t last, they don’t stay. In a day or two, they fade away. But it’s not the same for you, is it?

So tell me, did I make a mistake?

By telling you, what you mean to me.

Should I have lied instead or told you THIS truth? Would it change anything?

And I’m lying here writing one of the hundred letters that you will never read. And I’m here lying to you when you ask me if I wrote you something.

I did. But I can never show you.

Because I’m afraid that you’ll make more of it than what is.

You’ll feel deeper if you read the letters wrote in ecstasy and you’ll be low if you read these letters second-guessing what we have.

I can’t apologise to you for this. Because this is who I am.

But I feel so bad knowing I’ll hurt you in the end and still being selfish enough not to let you go now.

But I can’t apologise for that either. Because I warned you from the start.

This is why I want no labels.

Because I don’t deserve the person you are.

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