There’s a gaping hole where your figure always loomed. I’m afraid to look, because if I don’t, I can assume that you are still standing there, indifferent to my gaze but… there. But if I do look, from the corner of my eyes, your absence will steal the last fragment of hope that I’m holding on to.
It has taken me a lot of time to admit this to myself. To stop thinking of this feeling as a petty nuisance. To stop thinking of you as an obsession. Because honestly, that is what you were to me.
Someone, I could look up to – with your always punctual never-changing routine, your sorted out life, your belief/ faith, the sense of control over yourself. I didn’t envy you. I had no wish to ever be like you but it must feel good eh? I just wanted to feel that way.. Atleast once. So I followed you. I observed you. I became you, if only for a day. I tried to befriend you. We were friends I think, or so you said.
( this is all sounding too stalkerish. It’s not, trust me. This is how I am with anyone I admire. They take up space in all my thoughts at the point of obsession. It’s normal. Borders on unhealthy but… I guess that’s why it would have never worked out between us. I would have cared too much. You not enough).
But you lied to me.
Or maybe you just deceived.
Or Maybe I’m the one at fault.
You said we were friends. But you didn’t say goodbye.
You should’ve knocked at my door if I wasn’t around like I knocked at yours six times ( not counting the one where you left the door open especially for me). I did like how considerate and nice you were or are. I don’t know what to think anymore. There’s no one in this world I’ve given this much importance to. What is so different with you?
It felt like you were seriously making an effort. Being the introvert you are, when you striked up conversations on days I felt too tired to think of a conversation starter, I rejoiced in those moments of victory. I was finally wearing you down to accept my friendship.
But maybe you were just being polite. Or a little worried when I was silent. Because it usually meant I was sick or something.
Now that I think about it, the signs were always there. That you didn’t want my friendship or anybody’s for that matter. You were quite content in your solace.
When I asked if I annoyed you with my questions and you answered ‘quite frequently’… I should have taken the hint. But then you didn’t accept my apology and that made me think maybe you enjoyed me pestering you.
And when you mentioned that you didn’t let anyone get close enough to you, I took it as a personal challenge to change that.
I wanted to make this.. Us … Important for you. Tables got turned and now I’m stranded.
Between hurt and indifferent. Okay, not indifferent. Because it is bothering me too much.
Was it when I wouldn’t let you stay quiet? Was it when I asked too many probing questions? Was it when I wanted to stay in touch even afterwards? When did you decide that you were tired of me intruding on your solitude?
For one second, I can forgive you. But you didn’t say goodbye to anyone. People who cared for you, liked you… You just disappeared with no word and left behind no trace of your existence.
There’s just that empty space that your body should be occupying. A remnant of your shadow. Me mistaking people for you, only to realise they don’t quite fit the description.
I still follow the same routine that you and I did. It will take some time to break the habit but the will is just not there anymore, nor the excitement.
The only time I let myself be vulnerable and it ends up being like this. I guess subconsciously I specifically chose such people whom I have no chance in a million years to befriend. The perfect ones. The quiet shy genius ones.
I connect with the flawed ones. They are the ones I click with.
But I always want more.
I want the impossible.
I want to prove that I am capable of something different.
And it hurts to lose.
I have an image in my head.
Of your long lashes, the expressions you made, the rare instance when you smiled and the one thing I got to see a lot. Your cute face.
As long as I am here, I will think of you. It is hard not to. But when I leave, I’ll erase every trace of your existence.
I will be the one to say goodbye once and for all.
I haven’t touched.. The folder with your details in it. Yes I got one. Because I’m a forgetful little thing but I wanted to remember every little thing about you.
I haven’t seen the show that I took only for the chance to discuss it with you. It all seems pointless now.
I have replayed the sound of those sitar strings a hundred times in my head and I still regret interrupting you.
I have played so many scenarios in my head. What I could have done differently? If I could go back to not knowing you at all, would I still ask that lame question? Would I still make an effort knowing it won’t mean shit in the end?
I don’t know. I don’t think I’d be able to resist.
You are just too tempting because you were everything I’m not but wished to be, once upon a time.
I thought I was okay with my imperfections, even proud of my flaws but you made me realise how much I crave perfection still. How much I want, no crave, to lead a simple sorted life with no complications, no intense emotions. My brain says BORING but my heart really wants it. It has grown tired and weary already. There’s only so much it can handle and endure.
But no same case with you, is it?
It fits I guess.
No Love, just a lingering hope to get a glimpse again