Insecurities

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So this is going to be a really personal post with lots of ranting. Just bear with me, okay?
I’m an average girl. Average in looks, in talent. I don’t believe myself to be something special. Don’t have lots of friends, never been in a relationship, not talented in any particular art, not sure about my carrer. I’m just… Um ME.
And like every other girl out there I get insecure too. About what I’m going to do with my life. What if nobody loves me? There’s always going to be someone better.
I like to write sometimes, but I’m not particularly good at it and then I see so many talented writers out there with wonderful stories to tell.

And I think to myself “Who’s going to read my story?”  “Am I capable enough to write one?”
It’s been a long time since I wrote anything. Being an author was/is my dream too. But you know what’s the one quality an author has? The ability to put emotions into words. And that’s what I lack. I struggle with words, never finding the right thing to say or the right words to write. Can you believe that? I’ve read so many books and I struggle with finding the right words. Irony, I guess.
See, I can’t even write one sentence being sure of myself.
And that’s not the only thing, I’m a blogger in a community of a million bloggers and I see everyone with their beautiful and successful blogs with over a 1000 followers. And I feel like should I really continue?
Like just a few days ago my friend started a twitter account. 15 tweets and 5 days later she’s got 77 followers.
And here I am with a year old account stuck at 195 (It was 200 but I lost some followers)
I know this all sounds so dumb. Like what is there to worry about. This stuff won’t decide your worth. But,  but it’s okay to be jealous sometimes. It’s okay to doubt yourself. It just makes you want to be better, right?
But in this society where everyone gets compared, it’s so hard to focus on the good stuff. All you want is to be better than the other guy/girl. To be prettier, smarter, more popular.
How many times have you seen someone and thought, “She’s pretty, I wished I looked that good. Wow, she’s so intelligent. If only, I was too. She’s talented, she’s going to go places. And I’m gonna be right here applauding”?
I wake up every morning, look in the mirror and tell myself.
You’re amazing. And don’t you forget that.
But it is pretty easy to forget sometimes.
Even if we leave this stuff for a while. I still don’t know what I’m gonna do in my life, what I’ll be. I have dreams (most of them are pretty impossible)
I want to travel the world, have my own home, get a normal job that pays well (this is impossible because of major unemployment in India, and well I’m pretty lazy)
The way my life is working out right now, I don’t see myself having a good future. And most of the time, it doesn’t bother me. Because I’m the type of person to go with the flow, live in the present moment, one day at a time. And yet it’s hard not to have these thoughts sometimes.
I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to be a burden. I do want an easy life and to see myself in a good and safe place.
I don’t even know why I wrote this post when my insecurities embarrass me so much. It’s just that of its all out in the open. If I’m not hiding it all inside me, my mind feels lighter.
Maybe I will become something, maybe I won’t, maybe I won’t live long enough to find out. Everything’s uncertain. But talking about it, and letting it all out just helps soothe the chaos.
I’m sorry for wasting your time. Why would anyone want to read about my life problems? Dumb, me.
But well, if you want to share something. Some problems, thoughts or insecurities that haunt you too, I’m willing to listen. Comment below or email me personally at pallavisareen99@gmail.com
And I know it can be hard, talking about this stuff, I almost deleted this post twice. And yeah have thought about leaving this as a draft too. It took a lot of strength to make it public. And now that it is, yes I think it helped me accept myself for who I am.

Love, Alex 🙂

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21 thoughts on “Insecurities

  1. it’s Transparent post from your heart..don’t wry alex we be with you ..1000 followers suppose u have that 1000 people defently can’t touch with u and listen ur post every day .now ur followers we listen you every day we wait for ur books reviews u feel unbetter change ur post style write about health,games,culture…etc.hearafter u don’t feel i am ur one of friend(i think) live at tamilnadu.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This blog post is great – it’s open and honest, and people are really connecting and identifying with a lot of what you’d said (myself included). Your writing is absolutely fine, but I get why you’re insecure about it (I get anxious every time I hit publish on a blog post in case I’ve made a glaring error and not noticed). You know what though… it’s really hard to write a piece that people can connect with and you’ve achieved that, so that makes you a good writer. Just keep on keeping on. Take care.

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  3. Hey Alex.. I simply can’t explain how much I relate to this post. I get it you know, specially the entire social situation being from the same country as you. I am just as clueless about my future, and too lazy to work for it. Every single day, somebody or the other makes me think, ” I wish i was good enough”. I’m not going to say you are awesome. You know you are. I’ll just say, i get you girl. I totally get you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have a gang of friends who can relate to you, who thinks exactly like you, but I don’t feel you need to be insecure about your writing as you r so really good and 195 followers is certainly not a bad count as there are many blogs with digit number followers. I can understand when u say u struggle with words but if the struggling finally gives u such good articles, u don’t need to be sad abt it. Coz struggling and getting feels much btr, ryt. We all r diff and if v focus on what v have rather than what v don’t and b happy with that I guess that wud help 🙂 Well that’s what I tried to do and it helps.

    Liked by 1 person

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